A Christian Perspective of
Male Retarded or Delayed Ejaculation
©2010 Kimberly Hartfield, B.S.,M.S.
As Christians, we often have difficulty discussing matters of sexuality, but this shouldn’t be the case. Certain problems of sexuality affect Christians just like the rest of the world and we need to be able to discuss the problem with someone who can help. With that said, we will now discuss the sexual problem of retarded or delayed ejaculation. The term retarded ejaculation (RE) (Male Orgasmic Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR), is the inability of a man to reach a climax and have an ejaculation. RE is the third most common male sexual disorder, after impotence (erectile dysfunction, ED) and premature ejaculation. Though it’s the third leading male sexual disorder, it’s not as frequently seen as the other two main male sexual problems, so there is very little information on this subject. It tends to occur mainly in men who have been brought up very strictly, and who are very controlling in their lifestyle. Some of them have great ambition and drive and have risen almost to the top of their chosen professions, but they are very distant and detached to their wives. They usually have great difficulty in showing emotions, and in sharing intimacy with others who are close to them.
Some of the causes of RE may be surprising to you. Serious spinal injuries are one difficulty that can create major problems in having an ejaculation in a timely manner. Some neurological disorders can cause severe disturbances in ejaculation. Prolonged substance abuse, especially cocaine, opioids, and marijuana, can result in retarded ejaculation. Excessive use of alcohol can also cause difficulty in ejaculation. Drug and alcohol use should not be a problem for Christians, but often it is. Other possible causative factors which have been identified by sexologists include a fear of causing a pregnancy, an overly strict religious upbringing that supposes sex to be dirty rather than a gift from God for the marital relationship, and possible homosexual tendencies that could be brought on by early childhood sexual abuse incidents, which may make a man question his masculinity.
RE can also be a result of habitual and excessive masturbation. Some who have difficulty climaxing in a normal marital sexual relationship seem to need the kind of physical stimulation that only masturbation can provide them. The DSM-IV- TR states that a pattern of paraphillic sexual arousal may be present in RE. Pornography use with masturbation often accompanies RE. In most of the cases, the sufferer can actually achieve orgasm during masturbation, but not during sexual intercourse. As a result, they may go overboard in thrusting their wives during intercourse in the effort to get the same kind of stimulation they normally receive from manual masturbation. This may work sometimes, but it may also give their wives a lot more pain than pleasure. Orgasm can usually be much more easily achieved for these men by manual stimulation than by normal sexual intercourse. As married Christians, masturbation should never be an excessive practice, which takes the place of normal marital relations, especially with the use of pornography, which devalues the femininity of the woman and treats her as a mere sex object, rather than as a loving partner.
Nearly always though, RE is found more to be a psychological problem. Ejaculation problems quite often occur in men who have not had previous difficulties, but who have recently been put on certain medications by their doctors. In these cases, a change in medication will usually solve the problem. Numerous medications can cause problems with retarded ejaculation. These include some drugs that treat cardiovascular problems, anxiety and depression (neuroleptics, antihypertensives, and antidepressants). If you’re taking this type of prescription medication, you should talk to your doctor. It may be possible for him to switch medications or reduce the dosage you take. Male retarded ejaculation is rarely a psychological issue alone, but it has been theorized that some men are so anxious to please their wives that they are unable to relax enough to please themselves. Others have postulated a link between RE and a deep-seated anger toward the mother or rarely, even toward the wife. Anger is an issue that needs to be worked on in many Christians lives, but especially those who carry it around in permanent baggage. Forgiveness is a necessary part of being Christian, and Christ teaches forgiveness as much for our own sake as for others sake. Unforgiveness and anger does have an impact on physical health.
In youth, a man may not feel that he has any real problem, and may assume that he is normal. Normally, women take 10 to 20 minutes to attain orgasm, and most men, on the other hand, need an average of about five minutes of stimulation, although some require more as they get older and younger men may require even less. A man experiencing RE may take hours to reach an orgasm and ejaculate or he may never reach a climax. When first having intercourse, their wives are often thrilled with them for the simple reason that they can keep going for several hours. But when they’re in a committed marital relationship, especially one in which the couple hopes to have children, RE can be a major problem. Both the man and the woman may become very sore and completely frustrated. Retarded ejaculation is a trying condition for both spouses.
If you’re experiencing RE your wife shouldn’t take it personally, unless of course it’s due to masturbation and pornography use. The wife often feels hurt and angry that her husband doesn’t ejaculate when they make love. Often she blames herself for the failure, but she needs to know that it’s not her fault. Your inability to have an orgasm has nothing to do with her ability as a lover, or how you feel about her and your marriage relationship. Reassure her that it’s not her fault if there is any doubt in her mind. It’s common for men with RE to have had several broken relationships because their wives decided that they wanted somebody who could have an orgasm. As Christians we should be more committed to the relationship than that. We usually vow to remain together in sickness and in health. Sometimes a man seeks help after a divorce, but more commonly, a couple may ask for treatment when they’re trying to have a baby. Others never seek help and just suffer through it unknowingly, with Christian couples being especially shy about discussing the problem. If you or your spouse are experiencing RE don’t wait until it’s too late. Seek help as soon as possible.
Even though delayed ejaculation is a problem for some men, it’s not very well known, and it’s rarely discussed. If you’re a man with delayed ejaculation, you know that even after having sexual intercourse, sometimes for hours, you still have trouble reaching orgasm and ejaculating inside your wife. Delayed ejaculation produces a lot of negative emotions for the men who experience it and their wives, so men tend to keep it to themselves. Yet not being able to ejaculate during sex can make you and your wife feel hurt, ashamed, angry, resentful, and completely miserable. You may have a lot of negative feelings about sex and your own ability as a lover. Delayed ejaculation can make you think of yourself as a poor lover, as a sexual failure, and may even give you feelings of guilt and shame, and a sense of letting your wife down. Your wife may also feel inadequate and frustrated, not to mention sore and worn out after hours of sex! But be assured that normal ejaculation is possible for some men.
When you have a problem ejaculating, it usually means your body isn’t sensitive enough to the sexual stimuli it’s receiving, to become sufficiently sexually aroused, so you never really get to the point when you’re ready to ejaculate. There are some techniques to overcome delayed ejaculation that make it possible for you to enjoy sex. One thing that is important to know is that you don’t have to ejaculate every time you have sexual intercourse. If you haven’t climaxed in a reasonable period of time, consider trying again at another time. Your wife will likely thank you. Another important thing is to have a waiting period between sexual acts. It is important to wait 3 to 7 days between sexual acts to give your body time to recuperate and to let your semen build up strength especially if you’re trying to conceive. Also, you should be sufficiently rested, or at least not over tired when you do choose to have sexual intercourse. When you do have sex, take time to enjoy foreplay with your wife and give yourself time to become sufficiently aroused. Then move on to intercourse, and enjoy the vaginal thrusting with your wife until she’s satisfied. Lastly speed up your thrusts and increase the depth of your stroke as much as possible. Try to clear your mind of everything but what’s important right then, which is ejaculating inside your wife. A faster and deeper thrust will often help the process along and bring you to ejaculation. Certain positions may be better than others for you as well.
When you know you can come to a climax, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy sex more, as well as enjoying pleasuring your wife, and you’ll feel more fully satisfied afterwards. Not being able to come to a climax, and suffering delayed ejaculation is often a behavior pattern, and it’s a pattern you can change. And that means that your wife will enjoy sex more, as well. There aren’t any quick fixes, or pills that will help you overcome this problem. RE needs some effort and commitment from you and your wife. All you need is your commitment to each other and a good deal of patience. Commit yourselves to prayer on the matter and do some more research. Ask for help from your counselor or doctor. If drugs or alcohol is the culprit, that’s another matter. As Christians, we are admonished not to let anything have control over us. Seek help for addictions, if necessary. Then, someday, you’ll be able to satisfy yourself and your wife in a much more acceptable manner.
- All You Have To Know About Premature Ejaculation (controllyourejaculation.wordpress.com)
- Overcoming Premature Ejaculation (everydayhealth.com)